My Third Blog Post #Grief
I wasn’t sure why, but right before the new year, I kept feeling this inkling: “Grab your book on transformative grief.” Over and over, the thought lingered. Then, a Facebook acquaintance posted about the anniversary of their father’s passing, which had occurred close to Christmas.
Although I don’t know them very well, I felt compelled to reach out. Holidays without a parent, at any age, can be difficult—especially if it’s someone you were close to. Of course, immediately after reaching out, the heckler voices in my head chimed in: “Why did you do that? Isn’t that weird? They’ll think you’re weird. You don’t know them that well.” (I imagine the Hecklers as the two old Muppet men up in their box seats.)
This time, though, I was able to talk back to those hecklers: “Oh well, it’s too late now. The message has been sent.”
In my own way, I sent this individual love, light, and whatever energy they might have needed in that moment. (I sure hope they’re open to that sort of thing, but who knows? I’ve just started being myself—which is surprisingly refreshing most of the time.)
I also mentioned, when I reached out, that my birthday is the hardest time of the year without my mom. I hadn’t really let myself think about her this past Christmas. In fact, she loved Christmas. Towards the end of her life, I helped her create a magical, fairytale-like atmosphere for our family and her grandchildren. Since she passed, I haven’t really decorated for Christmas. I hadn’t realized how much I’d been suppressing those feelings. Suddenly, the transformative grief book made sense. I brought it to my bedroom, but still didn’t open it. Another poignant Facebook post that same day was of the wife of an old co-worker who had passed away in the line of duty who was younger than me. This was her first Christmas without him, and I cannot imagine how hard that must have been.
His death affected me more than I care to admit. He was always such a sturdy presence, and even though we only sporadically texted for the past couple years his loss to the world has pushed me to say yes to things I would have traditionally said no to. I’ve been living more in the moment because of him.
I love oracle cards, that same day I felt called to pull two cards. Typically, I pull one card and then check the bottom of the deck for the second—sometimes it’s meant for me, and I always know when it is. The first card I pulled was a life path card, which spoke about knowing and allowing the imperfect timing of things. It explained that everything will happen for me when the time is right. Reading that, I started getting emotional. There are things I’ve wanted for so long that, and when I get tired, the feel impossibly far away. Yet in reality, they’re so close—just within my reach. After reading the life path card, I moved to the invocation, which began with, “I call upon the wise and unconditionally loving ones to assist me now.” And I just bawled. All the emotions I hadn’t allowed myself to feel over Christmas came rushing out. Grieving is part of life, and so is allowing emotions. I’m still learning how to feel my emotions. For years, I shut them down and felt nothing. But in that moment, I cried my heart out.
After finishing the invocation, I gave myself a moment before moving on. But, of course, I couldn’t resist checking the bottom card: the spiritual decree card. This card spoke about being a co-creator of my life and asked, “You’re wondering what’s going to happen with your life, aren’t you?” The timing was uncanny. I had just posted my first blog and was exposing myself to the world in a way I’d never done before. The card reminded me of the power I have. The power to decide and create what happens in my life. The invocation for this card had me say out loud the things I decree for myself—things that still feel personal. Again, all the tears flowed. These were tears of feeling unconditional love from the universe, a love I’m only just beginning to feel for myself. I and you, have the power to create the life we want to live. I never dreamed I could have even half of what I have now. But first, I have to grieve the past. The spiritual decree card also talked about honoring patience. And, oh, patience is a lesson I’m still striving for every day. I’ve often joked that I’m like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka in the golden goose area—“I don’t care how, I want it now!”
I didn’t allow myself the time to grieve over Christmas. Grieving is part of everyday life, and allowing emotions to flow is essential—we are always feeling and learning from our emotions. I had personally shut mine off for YEARS and felt nothing. One of my life goals is to feel unconditional self-love. I remember a time when my mother hugged me, and it was the most all-encompassing, loving hug. I could sense how much love she had for me, but I wasn’t able to fully feel it. I knew I was loved, but I couldn’t truly receive it. I cried then, too. I am grateful to say now I feel more and more love for myself every day and I am allowing all the feelings, even the sad feelings, to come to the surface as best as I can. Everyday just keeps getting better and better.
