Self-Compassion Post Binge
For most of my blogs, I take a moment to walk around Perry Phillips Lake behind my apartment complex. Being near the water, surrounded by nature and stillness, always inspires me. However, since the first snowfall of 2025, I haven’t made it out there. It hasn’t been above freezing long enough for the snow to melt. The only ones making their way around the lake are dogs, which I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching—all the puppies playing and loving the snow! As the week wore on, I still had no post ready, but inspiration finally struck, as it usually does, totally unforced.
If you’ve known me for a long time, you’ll know I’ve gained and lost weight over and over again. I’m done with that yo-yo shit. This is the final time, no matter how long it takes or what path I’m on. I’ll do as much mental and emotional work as it takes to make this a reality. It may not be a linear path, but it’s happening. Let’s be honest—the physical part has never been the hard part for me. Once I get into a groove, I love a good workout and a solid challenge. Who knows? Maybe that Key West Half Marathon will finally become a reality. ;)
In my journey to escape the funk I was in, I hiked in Colorado with an amazing group of women. I was completely out of shape last July, but it helped launch me out of a period of physical inactivity. I still don’t love hills, but I now see their value. Then in August, I finally realized the biggest emotional component I had been missing: SAFTEY. Earlier in 2025, some repressed memories surfaced during a hypnosis session. I’ll share more about those in a later blog when I’m ready. What I realized is that I wasn’t just eating to blunt my emotions—I was eating because I didn’t feel safe. The weight had become a barrier. I’d read about this protective mechanism before, but I’d never fully understood why I needed that protection.
I was eating to feel safe. I KNOW logically that I’m safe. I’m perfectly safe here and now; there’s no tiger chasing me as I write this blog. This is probably one of the safest times in history, despite all the shit going down in the world. We’re not on the Oregon Trail anymore. But even though I knew I was safe; my body didn’t feel it deep down. My body didn’t know it was safe.
Love is important, too. I’ve seen the pattern in myself. When I’ve felt loved and safe in a relationship, the weight has come off quickly. It was easy (shout-out to ya, old man ;)). But as romantic relationships sometimes do, that one ended, and once it was over, the weight came back. I’d lost that feeling of safety and protection. Lately, I’ve been focusing on affirmations like “I feel safe in my body,” “I am safe on my own,” “I can protect myself,” and “I embody love.” I’ve been rewiring my brain and body to embrace these thoughts as unshakable truths so that it all comes from within and is not needed externally. Once I lock all that in, I’ll be unstoppable.
In the past, my weight loss efforts have included calorie counting, endless workouts, medically monitored protein shakes, South Beach diet, Atkins… let’s just say I’ve tried a lot of different things. I would obsess over calorie counting until I inevitably ended up binging. Lately, I’ve simplified my approach. I count protein because I’m trying to build muscle, and it keeps me feeling full. I’ve been getting amazing yummy meals from Happy Food Meals (https://www.happyfoodmeals.com) because they’re fresh, local, and nutritious. My body craves these nutrient dense meals. While I love cooking, I don’t love cleaning. Another rule: I don’t eat after 6:30 PM unless it’s pre-planned. Most of the time, anything I eat after that is out of boredom, habit, or mindlessness. I’ve learned to ask myself, “Am I hungry, or is this something else?” I’ve been reteaching myself what hunger actually feels like.
With these rules/guidelines firmly in place, I’ve started simple intermittent fasting (IF). I began with an 8–12-hour window, which is probably how most people eat naturally. My body likes IF, and now it’s like a game: Can I extend that window?Lets try! Of course, I still weigh myself because my analytical side loves the data. But I’m focusing on how I feel—strong, healthy, and capable. Since last July, I’ve dropped a scrub size. Since August, I haven’t had an emotional binge eat. That is, until Wednesday night this week.
That night, I had my first binge in over six months. It makes me want to cry because I’ve been doing so well. But that day started at 4 AM, went non-stop until 5 PM, and included a very stressful afternoon. Later, while trying to relax, I listened to something meant to help me process, my now free, repressed memories. My body was already stressed (physically and emotionally), and my nervous system was activated. I reached for my weighted blanket but still felt off. It was after 6:30 PM…... I typically don’t keep binge foods in the house—having to drive to get them adds a layer of protection. But this time, the food was in my fridge, and before I knew it, I was binging in the kitchen.
The awareness was there, though. Awareness is always the first step. I knew I was binging. I used that knowledge to stop myself, but not immediately. “Just one more bite,” I thought. “Okay, just another.” Thankfully, I eventually managed to stop.
This binge wasn’t as bad as past ones. The self-loathing, shame, and guilt I felt afterward were about a 3/10 compared to the 10/10 they used to be. That’s huge progress. When I made it back to bed, I reached out to someone I knew would be compassionate.
“I just binged. I should’ve called you. I can’t believe I did that. I can’t even remember the last time this happened.”
They responded with infinite wisdom: “You had a big day today.”
I replied with more negative self-talk, and they answered, “I know that’s disappointing. It’s okay to be mad at yourself, but it’s also good to remember you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, too.”
Mic drop.
Sleeping on it, processing it, and writing this post the day after, I’m confident the binge won’t spill over into today. In the past, I would’ve let it snowball into a spiral of negativity. But the badass writing this? She’s got goals. I’m not the person who wallows anymore. I’ve been kind and compassionate to my body and my mind today. I’ve stuck to my self-care routine even when I didn’t want to. Yin yoga on a rest day? Heck yes. A hypnosis trade session helped to uncover feelings of unworthiness, expanding further to realize that yesterday I didn’t feel worthy of my future special person/partner in life. He isn’t even actively in my life at the moment, yet Wednesday, I didn’t feel worthy of him and then I had used food to abuse myself for those feelings of fear. I used sugar to soothe my nervous system from its overexcited state. I felt worthy, and my nervous system regulated all the days leading up to Wednesday (aka binge). Yet, it was a perfect storm brewing as I pushed myself to the limit and didn’t acknowledge that I need even more downtime in my life.
I now know what it looks like to navigate life without beating myself up. I’m showing myself the same compassion I’d show others. I know I’m still worthy even though I binged. Letting go of shame and guilt is a massive step forward. And if it happens again? I’ll just pick myself up and dust myself off.
So, if there’s something in your life, you’re feeling guilt or shame about, give yourself a moment to process it. Feel it, breathe through it, but don’t stay there. It doesn’t serve you. Reach out to friends, get help with your thoughts and energy, and know that you’re amazing. Have compassion for yourself, and move on.
