My Second Blog Post #Worth
My Second Blog Post
Last fall, I went on an amazing trip to visit a childhood friend in the east coast—someone I consider a sister. During this trip, I also met a group of people I’d only known through Zoom. Despite never having met them in person before, I felt like they know me better than I sometimes know myself. The trip was magical. I spent wonderful moments with friends and people who felt like family.
When I returned home, however, I felt like I had wasted the first half of 2024 doing nothing. In reality, I had been grieving. I had sold the house I owned for ten years—the house where my mother passed away, and where I had so many significant life experiences. I had also been preparing myself by resting and cocooning for this year. But back then, I saw it as wasted time. I had convinced myself that I needed to get all these certifications and accomplish a laundry list of tasks because, at the time, I tied my worth to my productivity.
At that point, I wanted to start Fostering Blossoms, but I was consumed by fear, judgment, and self-doubt. I wasn’t used to letting myself be seen by the world. Hiding and staying protected had always felt safer. Instead of focusing on building my website, setting up a payment structure, and starting the things I envisioned for my LLC, I decided that the way to conquer my fear of being seen was to keep getting additional hypnosis certifications, become a Pilates instructor, and a certified personal trainer (CPT).
Mind you, these weren’t the only classes I was taking. At one-point last fall, I was enrolled in seven or eight certifications, including a Human Design class. (I love Human Design, by the way. It’s like astrology on steroids and has completely transformed my life.) In the process, I completely burned myself out. When I recently went to South Carolina to rest and relax this past December, I realized I couldn’t even relax—my body didn’t know how to. I was still stuck in a go-go-go mindset, equating relaxation with laziness, which I subconsciously saw as unacceptable. I also wasn’t able to show up as my playful, fun self; I was serious and full of self-criticism for not showing up as the person I wanted others to see.
Through conversations, I discovered something pivotal: I was attaching my worth to how others perceived me, to my productivity, and to my body weight/looks. My worth was tangled up in so many external factors. I tried an exercise where I was supposed to say, “I am enough.” But instead, I found myself saying, “I am good enough.” That added word “good” was not on purpose, but my brain subconsciously added it. It made me realize that I thought I had to “be good” to be worthy. I realized my next mission is to BELIEVE and FEEL that I don’t have to prove my worth. Simply being, simply being ME, is enough. I will admit that at the time I am writing this, I am still working on feeling WORTHY of many things I mistakenly believe I am not worth.
Despite the burnout, I’m grateful for the experiences I had last fall. I completed most of the Pilates teacher trainings I signed up for—which has been life-changing. With all the mental, spiritual, and emotional work I’ve done, I’ve learned that moving my body is essential. When I don’t, my body lets me know in no uncertain terms. Although I don’t plan to pursue my CPT certification right away, it’s still on my radar. I love working out, being competitive, and excelling in whatever I do (hello, perfectionist tendencies!).
Looking back, I see that all these certifications were forms of procrastination. I signed up for an Akashic Record reading with Lorena Espiga (more about her and family constellations in a future blog—Family Constellations are the bomb.com). Through the Akashic reading, I discovered that my intention for these certifications and the impossible amount of work was a way to avoid my fear of being seen. During the session, the message I received was clear: Why are you trying to face your fears of being seen by teaching Pilates when you could already be doing it with the tools you have now, like offering sound baths? You have all of these spiritual gifts and you are not opening yourself up to allow them to be of use. The records called me out for procrastinating and reminded me that I already have everything I need.
This realization was like a wake-up call. I had to ask myself why I was climbing stairs when I could take the elevator to where I wanted to be. I needed to embrace my divine masculine energy and channel it into my business. Yet, letting go of these distractions felt like admitting failure.
Ultimately, I completed my Reiki Master training, three out of four Pilates teacher trainings (my body gave out before the fourth), and postponed my CPT certification. It took me two weeks after the reading to come to terms with the monumental pivot I needed to make and even longer to put it into action, it was almost like my brain couldn’t compute the realization and couldn’t let go of the check marks it needed to make. Now it really is time to focus on me and growing my business, improving my mind, body, and soul in the process, and with that, everything else I desire will fall into my lap.
REMEMBER:
1. You are worthy simply by existing. Your worth is not tied to productivity, accomplishments, or anything external. If you need to rest, then rest. Just don’t let it become a habit that holds you back.
2. If you feel overwhelmed by doing too much, ask yourself: What are you procrastinating? What is the thing you truly want to do but are afraid to face? The answer might just surprise you.
